Monday, June 4, 2007

Talking about Girly Bits - Boys Be Warned

Today BG had an appointment with an ENT to evaluate her for spurting nose bleeds that pop up from no where. I've googled and I've read and blah, blah, blah and I understand it can be normal but one little nose It doesn't help a dear friend of mine has a close family member recently diagnosed with leukemia and the nose bleeds were her symptom. The first time BG had one, Sgt. was on AT and she woke up crying, the same as every other night, and I walked in her room and she was covered head to toe in blood. The first thing I did was pick her up and grab some wipes to clean her up to see what was going on. The next thing I did was call my mom. At 1:30 a.m. Thank goodness she's an insomniac or she never would have heard the phone. Our doctor office nurse line is staffed by rejected rocket scientist. Has to be. Their answer: Dry air. Umm. Not so much. BG has had nose bleeds related to a dry nose/dry air and this wasn't the same. Besides, we use a cool mist humidifier to keep the air nice and moist. So, after about 15 minutes, it stopped. I changed her sheets and we slept together. The next one was about 2 weeks after that while she was outside blowing bubbles. A kitchen towel was the only thing I could grab and it soaked it completely. Immediate appointment with her doctor. She didn't see any sores in her nose or anything and told me the next one she would send us to an ENT. We've been waiting for our referral and I swear if the referral chick went any slower she would be going backwards. So, today was our day. She tells me BG picks her nose. Yes, but what two year old doesn't but it's not bleeding when she gets her finger's days later. BUT I was "explained to in detail" about taking care of little noses and nose bleeds and to go back in three weeks. So, we walked out with our instructions for swabbing her nose with v aseline...we do anyway. Besides, the way this kid's nose runs, there is no way in hell it can be dry. Second big concern is that since BG is adopted, we have absolutely no family history on her. I tried to plead my case this way: You know when you hear a little noise in your car and your resident mechanic tells you there's nothing wrong. Well, I drive the car. I know it's normal knocks and ticks and this is different. Come to find out: I WAS RIGHT and my mechanic asks for ketchup with his crow. Same with my kiddo. No, I haven't been to medical school and the closest I've come to it is making our deductible every year at the doctor's office but I know my kid. I know her snotty nose and what ails her with each one. I know her cries. I know her whines and what they are calling for. I know what a dry air nose bleed is. I know my kid. I smiled, thanked them for seeing us and we went and gorged on french fries before I dropped her back off at school since I had my girly bits appointment today.

Oh, the girly bits and the doctor who digs for them. I love him. I really do and I was not shy about telling him so. He's out of my network so I'll be paying double to see him but he is worth it. It was also 100 degrees in there but I kept my socks on and he just stared at me. I told him it was for his sake: I have not been for my first spring pedicure yet and you could use the feet to cut steak. Thank you very much. He peered at me from behind his black rimmed glasses and told me to scoot down. Several years back I managed a jewelry store and we were chatting it up over my "visit" and he told me he would come see me for a gift for his wife. I laughed and told him he wouldn't know my smile if I came up and bit him on the tushie and my company frowned on my showing the bits at the store. He chuckled and told me it would hurt a little. Little my ass.

Today I was greeted with "So glad you decided to come back after three years." It wasn't three years, technically. I was there in '04 on schedule. I missed '05 while Sgt. was in Iraq and '06 I was adjusting to being a mom to a toddler. I'm current. Two years. Thank you very much. Again: "scoot down." We talked about Iraq and National Guard and all that goes with it but it really is hard to discuss such topics with him poking around and me wondering if his hand is going to pop through the underside of my abdomen. Holy moly. Examination completed. My bits are intact and I had nice conversation. He shook my hand and thanked me for not gouging his eyes out with the claws I call feet. Smiled and told me he would see me the next time I felt the urge.

I know it sounds like he is a total ass but he is to die for. I started seeing him about 8 years ago after my regular totally hot doctor left the practice. The only other doctor I've like just as much was when I was in college. Dude wore small nap corduroy pants (all year long) with velcro tennis shoes. I loved him. I even drove 4 hours a couple of times to see him.

As a parting gift, he gave me bags full of all sorts samples - to help offset the extra 900% I'll pay for seeing him. Thanks doc.

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