Long Time...No Post

Excuse? I can come up with a million. There has been so much happening at Chateau L over the past couple of months.

January...we all had the crud and it was severe! BG turned 3 mid-January and we had to reschedule her party because of bad weather. I don't wish on my worst enemy hyping a party only to have to cancel it because of snow and ice. There isn't a 3 year old in the world who understands why no "happy party" after we've hyped, bought goods and prepared until our fingers bled. We had it in February. Delightful turn out. On the twisted side, I had an extra month of negotiating power with the threat of not having it at all. This year we asked for $10 phone cards to send to our deployed soldiers in lieu of gifts. Remember, BG's birthday is 18 days after Christmas and she got PLENTY then. Some of our friends totally ignored the request and showed up with gifts that there is no way will get played with. Same deal as last year. I know their intentions are good, but please, please, please respect a momma's wish. We did get 12 phone cards and $30 to help in shipping care packages. Just so it's clear, BG got lots of prezzies from us and others, so it wasn't like she was neglected by my request. Those of you who have children, know the masses of stuff that accumulates. I rented out a room at our local aquatic center, which was the best choice ever. For "entertainment," because we only had 1 1/2 hours, the kids colored pictures for us to send to our soldiers. It was a good time.

Aside from being busy, February came and went without too much of a problem; just usual craziness. Sgt. had two drills in February because they are doing their pre-deployment stuff and he didn't want to take time off from work. Worked out pretty well, I guess. He moved through with flying colors and of course all is well with him. "Word" has been spread and they are gearing up. He has his 3 week AT coming up and then they are supposed to have another one in November. They will be mobilized.

I am as unorganized as the day is long, but I'm a planner. We have all the "planning" done for this deployment, with one change that needs to be made to our wills . Even the morbid stuff is done. After attending the CPL's funeral in December, I decided immediately I wouldn't want that to fall on my shoulders or anyone else's during my grieving time in the event something should happen to Sgt. My civilian friends shudder at those words. It's a part of our life. It's our reality. We accept it. I explain to them it's no different than them drawing up their wills or picking out plots; I just added another step to it. They could need theirs before I do, but I'm ready. Only God knows. Anyway, I digress.

During one of our chats, vacation came up. We typically don't take much of one, but this year Sgt. said we needed to go somewhere with BG before he deployed. Okay. Where? Folks, we are dumping our life savings and heading to the World of Disney! There's nothing greater than Cinderella and the rest of the Disney crew to make a 3 year old's life just peachy keen. Our thrill be in the wonder of her. We have a timeshare we bought several years ago for dirt cheap, so we are using it and that means $0 for a place to stay. We've decided to drive instead of fly. However, that is today, could very well change by then. It is going to be about a 9 hour drive and by the time I figure in arriving at the airport early, baggage claim, waiting in line for rental car, etc., it's only another 2 hours and I'll save the $800 on airfare. We are planning on stopping in two of our favorite cities - one on the way down and one on the way back. We will be traveling over a holiday weekend so airport times are going to be massive. Military gets in free to Sea World and Disney has discounted (but still over priced) tickets. By the way, if I've never mentioned it, I'm a budgeter and I love, love, love to save money, but, then again, who doesn't? I'm not really all that great at budgeting, but I can save some money. BG has new Cinderella panties in preparation for our trip, which is in August! Who was I to deny her the glittery pleasure. I did buy the next size up because she seems to be going through a growth spurt and those suckers cost a small fortune!

Now for a little bit of a vent....

I had my haircut last week and M asked me about Sgt's deployment. I told her our time line, blah, blah, blah. She took that breath with a sigh - you all know the one - and she got ready to go off on a tangent about the war in Iraq. I knew it was coming because I've been in that same chair and had the same conversation just about every 7 weeks for the past year. (I've been going to her for almost 4 years, but it's only been a year that we've been preparing for word of Iraq, part deux) This was coming, "Maybe it will end before he has to go." I interrupted her to cut her off at the political pass.

It's funny the opinions I hear on the war and everyone's hate of it. I'm not saying I support it, I'm not saying I don't. I'm simply saying that Sgt. has a job to do, whatever it is, and, when he is called, he will report and do a good job. They all will. No different than going to work any other day of the week except he won't be in City, he'll be in Iraq. And if I hear one more time, "maybe it will be over and he won't have to go," I'm going to scream. It's just like telling someone who is adopting, "now that you are adopting, you'll get pregnant."

I was not harsh, simply matter of fact and it got my point across. Oh, by the way, she was one of the ones who threw out the pregnant comment when we were adopting, which is why I included it.

My story is the same today as it has been. I'm the proud wife of a Soldier. My Soldier is a proud member of the National Guard. My Soldier and I stand united and we will do what is asked of us.

I hope you all are well...

The past few days...

Wednesday:

CPL Joshua Blaney returned home today in a flag draped coffin. Tomorrow, Fed Ex will deliver 5 Gold Star Service Banners to my office to be presented to CPL Blaney’s family at his funeral on Friday. I was not able to be at the airport when this hero returned home but tomorrow night I will be at a funeral home paying respects to a family whom I’ve never met. It seems no matter what we do, it simply will not be enough as this family is dealing with most ultimate sacrifice of freedom. I’m the only spouse in BSM-NC and while I don’t know the heartache of sending a child to war, only my husband and best friend, my heart aches no less for their loss. I’ve found that the ties that bind us to our military families are just as strong as those that bind us to our immediate families, sometimes stronger, and our job as family is to stand tall for those who stand for us and even taller for those who have paid the ultimate price for our freedom.

In the coming weeks, I will also be working with another BSM to put together a condolence/memory book for this hero’s family. There are no politics to be discussed, no opposition to express…simply remembering a Soldier who died for what he believed in.

SSG Michael Gabel was with CPL Blaney when their vehicle was blown up by an IED. SSG Gabel gave the eulogy for his best friend at a memorial service that honored three men who lost their lives in October.

”I will not be bitter,” Gabel said. “I will not shed any tears of sorrow. I’m proud to have known such a good man and a warrior to the bitter end. Until we see each other again, sky soldiers!”

There will be similar words spoken for both these heroes in the coming days.

I lift these families, immediate and extended, in prayer.

About Thursday night:

Last night I visited the funeral home for Cpl. Blaney. It just so happened that P and I got there at the same time and after shaking hands with some of the PGR, we made our way into the funeral home.

Meeting his mother was heart wrenching for me; hugging her and seeing the sadness behind her eyes. We hugged and shook hands with the family and, despite their grief, every.single.one.of.them thanked BSMs for the support. They took the extra time to tell us how much they appreciate everything that has been done and the thoughts and prayers. Some had never heard of BSMs and P shared with them the history. We met P., the BSM from CA and her daughter, A., who is also in the Army. It was nice talking with her and she, too, expressed sincere gratitude.

There were quite a few people there, most Josh's age, and, as I walked around, I was listening to them share stories and memories of Josh. There were many tears shed for this Soldier but there was also laughter.

I've never seen a flag draped coffin in person nor have I seen the Battle Cross in person. My heart literally dropped to the pit of my stomach as we rounded into the next room and I saw it. Very moving and very surreal.

I sent an email to the Mayor of Matthews this week asking if he would kindly send a condolence for the book we will be assembling; he chose to send a letter directly to the family but he sent my information to a community newspaper. They had recently done an article on the BSMs and she will be forwarding it to me and when I receive it, I'll share with you all. She, too, thanked us for the things we do.

Here is the email she sent to me and my reply to her:

Mrs. L.,

Your work on behalf of the Blue Star mothers is a wonderful thing. My
husband and I own the community newspaper and we're
putting a story in this week's edition on Josh. Mayor M has directed
the town to fly their flags at half-mast. He forwarded this note to me.
Is there anything we can do to help out the Blue Star mothers?

Let us know -

ps We did a story on the history of the Blue Stars a few weeks ago and
would be happy to send you a copy. Thanks again for what you do.

Kindly,
J.D.

J:

While your words are kind, it is the absolute least we can do to support our heroes and honor one of our fallen heroes. It seems no matter what we do, it simply will not be enough as this family is dealing with most ultimate sacrifice of freedom. I'm the only spouse in BSM-NC and, while I don't know the heartache of sending a child to war, only my husband and best friend, my heart aches no less for their loss. I've found that the ties that bind us to our military families are just as strong as those that bind us to our immediate families, sometimes stronger, and our job as family is to stand tall for those who stand for us and even taller for those who have paid the ultimate price for our freedom.

I know no truer words to speak than those above.

You moms (and the dads) are amazing and the love you hold for your children is the most intense love I've ever witnessed and I see where your strength and endurance comes from. My mother told me while we were waiting for BG's referral, "You will never know true love until you have a child." She was one million percent right. Even though BG is only 3 and her accomplishments are limited to potty training, colors, shapes, alphabet, etc. I'm proud of her. Each time we hit a new milestone in our lives, it supersedes the one before it. I know the pride I have for Sgt. as my spouse and how my heart swells (and skips two beats :) ) when I see him in his uniform so I can only imagine what you all feel for your children.

As I remember this family in prayer, I also pray that none of you have to experience this.

About Friday:

When I was growing up, my grandmother always said that if it was raining on the day of a funeral it was God’s blessing. However, she also said if it was sunny on the day of a funeral it was God’s blessing. Yesterday morning it rained. When I walked out my front door and felt the first drops on me, I smiled; God was going to bless us today.

As I pulled into the church parking lot, I smiled again; the Patriot Guard Riders were standing in the cold, windy mist with their flags. Some had hats and gloves others held cups of coffee to keep their hands warm. I hugged some, shook some hands and thanked them. They thanked me. There was absolutely no reason to thank me and Biker B. said there was, “For all you do,” with You being BSM collectively. It was the same reason I thanked them.

There were two friends who spoke; one from his childhood and the other from his service. Both told stories that made everyone give a chuckle and as we watched the backs of the heads of those in front of us nodding, we knew they were all remembering the good times. We always hear the stories about bonds of brotherhood, but it’s typically in general conversation. Yesterday that bond was so evident. The point at which it sank in for me was when his best friend, who also serves in the Army, said it through tears; he called him a brother and said he loved him. The words of his other friend that stood out to me were when he said the mission was successful. He described a mission being successful when you leave on a mission you, you want to make sure your men return; Josh’s men returned. He also described the mission as being successful when you return; Josh returned home.

At the cemetery it was quiet except for the sounds of muffled sobs as the pastor read his words. It was cold and windy at times. Although I knew it was coming, the 21 gun salute caused me to jump with each round. There was an Army officer to my left, about 1-1/2 steps behind me, standing at attention and as that first round was fired, a tear rolled down his cheek. They also flew a helicopter over. Watching as the flag was folded and presented to his parents, we knew the end of the service was drawing near. The pastor quoted Joseph Campbell in his message at the church , “A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.” I always remember a quote by Karl von Clausewitz, “Courage, above all things, is the first quality of a warrior.” This young man held so many titles: son, brother, friend, Soldier, warrior, Hero. He was courageous in his service and duty and is a true Hero who was loved by so many and remembered by so many more. He now lays to rest at the foot of his grandmother’s grave.

Very humbling.

*******

Last night over dinner, I needed Sgt. to talk to me. I needed him to tell me things that he normally wouldn’t talk about with me, mainly the pretty much unspoken bond he shares with his soldiers. He isn’t one who discusses his feelings openly and sometimes not even when I ask. As I told him about the remarks from the funeral, I asked was it “true.” We hear about that bond but is it something that is really felt deep within. While it sounds like an odd question, I needed to hear his answer. The times I see With his Soldiers/friends are social situations with laughing, cutting up and annoying boy habits. And his answer was simple, “Yes. Those you train with, work with and fight with are your brothers. When you leave on a mission your goal is to bring them home. His friend was right, their mission was successful; everyone came home.” My Soldier’s voice was hushed as he spoke those words, whether he intended it to be or not. I told him that even though they are human, we have this image of Soldiers (Marines, Airmen, etc., too) being so strong and unwavering and it was hard watching these Soldiers shed tears. We all shed them.

"Duty"

I am the only spouse in my state's Blue Star Mothers group. When I joined a year ago, there were approximately 10 members. We are now 80+ with three chartered chapters and two on the way. Not bad for a year's time. As an associate member, I can't hold office or anything like that but I can support. I rallied for a chapter closer to my house because I, and others, were driving 3 hours for a meeting. I found a mom who's pretty close to me and we made it happen. Our first meeting had the 5 we needed to have a chapter and since then we've grown another 10.

Today I was sent an email about a fallen hero from my area; his home of record is near me and his parents are not too far, just across the state line. This hero was in her son's unit until about 6 weeks ago when he and some others were transferred to another unit. He was killed by an IED in Afghanistan. The mom who contacted me has been friends with the hero's mom for the three years since their sons became part of the same unit and have provided support for each other numerous times.

I was contacted to ask did I receive any kind of notification of his death and did I know any arrangements. No, I didn't. I did get the DOD notification and there was a small blurb in the paper where his parents live. I started working on it, though. Actually, a member from another chapter in my state sent me contact names for the PGR who may know something but we're waiting to see where the hero will come home to. He was my neighbor by locale and family by military. I never knew this hero and I don't know his family. I feel helpless. The other mom is flying in from California and is hoping to meet this young CPL when he returns home. I offered to help her find a hotel room, give recommendations or whatever I can. I didn't know what else to say. I told her to pass along my phone number, etc. to anyone who may have a need for it. I didn't know what else to say. This mom got choked up on the phone because her dear friend is grieving terribly. She didn't have the words to finish. I simply told her it was okay. I understood. But, to be honest, I don't. I'm a spouse. I'm not a mom.

My BSM group will be doing the condolence book for this fallen hero. I presented one back in the spring but I've never worked making one. I have begun gathering the materials and the other mom in my group is putting the word out requesting condolences. As a BSM, I've done the cheery: care packages, letters, passing out cards, etc. This is totally new territory for me. I will give my best. I will do my best. My commitment to our brothers and sisters, as well as their families, is unwavering support and to do my best. I hope as I step up to this new layer of duty for a fallen hero I won't fail.

Please keep the family of CPL Joshua Blaney in your thoughts and prayers. By family I mean immediate as well as his brothers and sisters in arms. We pray God will bless them and keep them in his care.

Good night.

This is probably us.

Read about it here. We've known it's coming. Training has shifted gears for it. New tanks arrived months ago and Sgt. has a "new" job. We've heard the rumors of it for some time. Timeline had been laid out, as best it could be. Supply requisitions are getting approved left and right and it's not just because the budget is busting with funds; Supply Sgt. says it's never been this easy to get money for stuff. It's being rumored to throw in an extra drill or two a month because when they started their special training it threw their regular training off so now they'll be a year behind in that. We've ridden the roller coaster enough to know it can change in the blink of an eye. However, nothing ever eases the pit in the bottom of your stomach to hear orders to a war zone are on the way. Rumor or not...it feels the same.

I'm a proactive girl...The boots are bought. Cold weather gear has been beefed up. Hot weather gear has been beefed up. Boonie hats bought. Socks ordered. Goggles...well, I'm still choking on the price of those. Holy crap. Don't know why I pretend I'm surprised, I choked the last time I bought them, too. Sgt. always asks when he will get the "good stuff" to eat like I send to our soldiers. I tell him when your boots hit the sand so in the meantime, enjoy that pear. I'll be adding another box of Oreos to my cart at Costco like we thought, I suppose.

Yes, it's still early. Yes, I know it can change. Yes, we'll be strong. Yes, we'll do what we have to do. Yes, I bought Sgt. a new chain for his chainsaw because his honey-do list will only grow between now and next summer and right now getting rid of trees for the holy grail of swing sets to be put up is at the top of his list. Heh. No, he does not outrank me. Thinks he does but gals we know that's not true.

Blubbering Mess

Tonight as I worked on some contract work in my office at home, I had the television on and it was time for Oprah. The show is about heroes so I stopped what I was doing and watched in awe as I listened to the heroic stories. The last story was about the Marines of the Second Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion Alpha Company returning home. The moment Oprah started to announce them, the flood gates opened and the tears streamed down my face. I remember my version of that day. I remember it like it was yesterday only it was almost two years ago. I'll never forget the moment I was able to hold Sgt. in my arms again and seeing the faces of our friends as they met their husbands for the first time after months of waiting and worrying and crying and making it. I cried as I watched these Marines and their Navy Corpsman have tears run down their cheeks hugging and loving their families. I always talk about considering our military being our extended family. When the three injured Marines from this BN came out and welcomed their brothers home, it reminded me, again, the type of bond they have. It also reminded me of what we stand for and why.

Our military is truly one of the beats of my heart and as long as my heart continues to beat, I will do all in my power, along with tens of thousands of others, to make sure everyone knows they are thought of and will not be forgotten or left behind.

Check Out This Article

This is a wonderful article to read. This soldier claims he is no hero, only doing his job. Doing his job saved his comrades. Kudos!!

I volunteer with my local chapter of Blue Star Mothers but as a spouse I'm considered an associate member. These mothers have embraced me with open arms and even though some of their children are my age, they treat me as one of them. About two weeks ago I got an email asking if I would be willing to travel with another mother to visit the family of a fallen hero and deliver a condolence book. Yes. Sgt. and I went to a local charity event last night so my parents had BG all weekend and today was the day we delivered the book; there were two other mothers and myself.

The family lives about two hours away from me so I threw the iPod in the car, opened the sunroof and hit the interstate. I met the other two BSMs there and was able to look through the book before we knocked on the family's door. This was the first time I had been done this and I had never seen a condolence book done by the Marine Moms group who put it together. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. I don't know how many pages it had in it but all letters, notes, poems, etc. that had been sent in for this fallen Marine had been scrapbooked and cataloged in a nice leather Marine scrapbook. I ran my fingers over the pages and I looked intently at his picture. I prayed God give us the strength to present this to the family and that our visit go well.

We lined up and knocked on the door and the father answered with his mother standing about three steps behind him. We introduced ourselves, shook hands and they invited us into their home. They are not originally from our state but their other son and his family live there so that is where they brought their some home to rest and decided to make a new home for themselves. P presented the book to his parents and his mom ran her hands over the emblem on the front and graciously said thank you. They flipped through some of the pages and put it back on the table and said they would read through it later. It was a bit awkward at first with everyone on the edges of their seats not sure whether to get comfortable or not. After about 15 minutes or so, their other son and family stopped by and everyone relaxed a bit. This family. Wow, what to say about them other than they are incredible and that isn't even the best word to describe them. They told us of their son's 19 year career with the Marine Corps and all the places he had traveled and tasks he had done. His dad said no matter where he was, if there was a conflict he felt led to be there. After he finished up an overseas assignment, he asked to be sent to Iraq and he was. The exact words of his father were, "If he said it once he said it one hundred times, 'This is where I belong and if something should happen to me, you know I died for what I believe in.'" That brought them comfort.

Our conversation was about him and his life, Sgt. and our family and the careers and tours of the two mothers' sons. We told them about our work with BSMs and my work with Soldiers' Angels. They were very appreciative of our visit and the work that went into the condolence book. Before we left, his dad gave me a hug and I hugged him tight. I hugged his mother tight. I told both of them early in our visit that their family was a part of our family and I was proud to have met them. I thanked them for allowing us into their home and his mother hugged me again and held my hand. She told me she would pray for Sgt. for his upcoming tour. I thanked her.

We were at their home for about an hour and a half. There were a few tears shed. They shared some pretty intimate details with us. We laughed. We hugged. We left.

I've not done a lot of things in my life I consider to be amazing but this visit I will call amazing. Their spirit. Their love. Their dedication. I am proud to have met them. I am proud they chose to invite us into their lives so openly. I am proud to have been able to be a small part of the healing of their souls. It renewed so many things within my soul and my heart. I didn't know what to expect on the drive up but I think I left a better person than I went in. I've always felt that if one person benefits from the things I do, even just a little, it makes all the time and effort worth it. These fine folks proved that to me today.

It's What I Believe In

I absolutely loved D.C.(it’s the first time I’ve been there in about 2o years and then it was only a trip through the Smithsonian on our way to NYC. ) This time I had a wonderful tour guide; she showed me all the sights. I thanked many of our troops for their service; some were on their way home for mid deployment R&R others were visiting D.C., too. None the less, I shook their hand, gave out 3 hugs and said thank you to all. I stopped in at the USO at the airport to say hi to the volunteers who staff it. It’s what I do. It’s what I believe in. Response is usually always good but one soldier in particular stood out because of comments he made. He was in the airport and I was waiting for my flight to D.C. and we started chatting. After a few minutes, he asked me what Sgt. did and by this time we had quite the audience hanging on to our conversation. When I told him his job, the soldier looked me dead square in the eyes and asked, “you know what he does, right?” I answered yes with the strongest smile I had to try and not show concern in it. The next thing he said to me floored me. “All I can say is you need to pray and pray a lot. Both of you.” I was so taken aback by those words and apparently it showed through on my face because he then told me that he was glad there were soldiers such as Sgt. who performed these tasks because they were extremely important but extremely dangerous. I shook his hand again, told him good-bye and I left to go board my flight. I know he meant no harm and certainly didn’t mean to upset me and it didn’t to the point of tears but it did as it tugged on my heart strings and it set my mind rolling for what I would see in the days ahead as I walked the streets of our nation’s capital.

As we walked to the different landmarks and memorials, my heart was touched. It was touched because of what they stand for. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial gave me goosebumps. As I ran my hands over the names touching them and reading notes that were left at the base of the wall, it brought tears to my eyes. There were notes of thanks, drawings by children and a poem written in 1999 by a high school senior who later joined the military and lost his life in Iraq in 2005. It was very quiet and nothing more than whispers. Arlington National Cemetery also humbled my soul. It is one of the most amazing places I’ve ever seen. We watched the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Every time his heels clicked as he turned, my heart skipped a beat and it ached.

I took quite a few pictures and I flipped through them several times reading the over and over the words on the monuments. As I wound down at night, I remembered how important of a role we all play in the making of our country’s history. How our choices and our attitudes affect the outcome of so many things; the good and the bad.

I saw so much hate towards Bush, whole stores dedicated to it, and was even invited to a picnic to impeach him. My response: Sorry, he’s my husband’s boss. It is not up to me to judge his decisions. It’s not up to me to question policy. It’s my job to support those who work so hard and tirelessly for the things we all are supposed to believe in. And I do. I do it with pride ignoring those who say I’m wasting my time. A brother or sister in need is never a waste of time, not in my eyes anyway.

As soon as I landed I called Sgt. and the first thing I told him was how proud I am of him and I’m proud he fights for what he believes in and I, in turn, will fight for him and those who are like him. They are his brothers and sisters; our extended family, so to speak. As long as I’m able, no one who needs comfort will go unnoticed. That goes for on the home-front and abroad. Why? It’s what I believe in.

Hodge Podge

Monday night BG and I went to pick up some candy to make goody bags for Sgt. and his soldiers since they are all so far away from home for their month of training. I originally planned for maybe 100 bags, which would be plenty with a few extras. Sgt. called and I had not told him about my surprise but then he drops on me that all 3500 from their brigade are there. YIKES. So, I nonchalantly ask him if he will actually see all these people and he tells me yes. Crap. So as I'm struggling with keeping this affordable and wondering what I've gotten myself into, he calls again and I re-ask him again and his answer changes back to only having close contact with about 150 or so. While I couldn't tell him why I was being so nosy, I'm secretly planning an empty bag with his name on it. Grrrr....3500 vs. 200....HUGE difference. So, BG and I have been stuffing candy bags and I know not a one of them will appreciate the fact I've hand curled the 6 strands of ribbon that ties each one of them closed. But I know it and it makes it just a tad bit special. While we were at Costco loading up on candy, Sgt. called and I put the phone on speaker and gave it to BG to talk to him and this is how their conversation went:

Sgt. "Hey BG. What are you doing?
BG "Shopping daddy."
Sgt. "Shopping? Did you buy any prezzies?"
BG "Daddy prezzie."
Sgt. "You did, what did you get daddy?"
BG "Candy. Daddy and friends candy. Yum"

Sweet. The days of keeping secrets are over. She then wowed the cashier when she answered the question of cash, check or credit.... with the prompt answer of "CREDIT, pease." In the midst of training her to be a teenager, we are still doing typical 2-year old things like alphabet, numbers, animal sounds and, of course, cash or credit. Sheesh.

I picked up an iTunes card while I was there and while waiting for the people to get it out of lock up, I struck up conversation a gentleman who was duly impressed with BG's ability to choose credit, properly answer the phone and give out mommy's secrets. After talking with him for a few minutes, I explained to him what my buggy full of candy was for and that my little Benedict Arnold had put the word out. He told me his step-son was preparing to go back to Iraq and I told him Sgt. had been once and we were gearing up for another go of it. He asked me how I felt about it. I gave him this answer, "Sgt. believes in what he does and I believe in him. It's not up to us to make policy, only to do the job that is asked of us." He questioned the "us" part and I explained to him that it wasn't just Sgt. doing his job, it was our family's job. Part of being a family is picking up where someone else can't. For some reason this doesn't apply to putting the trash bag back in the can or changing toilet paper rolls, but we manage to make it work. It's as simple as that. He told me I had a great attitude about it and wished us well. We shook hands, BG threw out her best, "SEE YA" and we left.

Casual check out line conversations are some of the best and I usually like them. You get the occasional azzhole who wants to bitch and moan but for the most part, you can get a tiny glimpse of someone in that 2 minutes. You leave with one of two opinions...azzhole or hmmm, okay. I like leaving with the hmmm, okay and like for people to see the same about me. Not that I'm trying to make an impression on anyone, but being gracious to someone takes no energy. People's attitudes sometimes rub off on me and maybe I'll rub off on someone one day.

Begone

Sgt. left this morning for a month long guard training. Friday he left super early so they could load their equipment on rail cars returning Saturday afternoon. BG stayed with my parents and I had a slumber party. It was me, Ernest&Julio Gallo, Ben&Jerry and the Monsters of Rock (I love 80s hair bands). Oh, glorious. As soon as I got home I slipped into my pajamas, ordered pizza and enjoyed a lot of wine. I got up Saturday morning to meet a girlfriend for breakfast before heading off to shop for a dress for a charity event we are going to when Sgt. gets home. Found the perfect dress - on sale, which makes it even better.

We got home about the same time Saturday afternoon and enjoyed some "us" time since BG was still with my parents. I got to eat a total of 5 meals with both hands without it getting cold, which is soooo nice (as I know all moms with toddlers understand completely). It was a good weekend.

Yesterday while he went to pick up BG, I made brownies for him and the guys in the advanced party who are convoying down today. I offered to cut them into bunny shapes for Easter but he declined.

News on the deployment front has been updated: Their anticipated deployment is one year out. Their unit readiness is only about 75% and their equipment will slowly be coming in over the next year. ACES are here. M4s are here. Tanks not here yet. Takes a huge weight off our shoulders but we also know that it could change in a moments notice. Until then, I'm glad we have a little better idea of what and when to expect.

"Bottom of the barrel"

I read a lot of different milblogs and one I've followed for a while is American Soldier. I checked in today and read this post. I went to the CBS website to comment on Andy Rooney's story but comments were closed.

It's apalling to me the number of people who are carriers of the jackass gene. After reading comments on both sites, I chose to post this comment on American Soldier's blog. While my words are not nearly as poignant as some of the other commenters, the message is the same.

I’m going to take my turn on the soapbox.

My husband is prior active duty and currently serves in the National Guard. He served one tour in Iraq in ‘05 and we are anticipating, and preparing for, a second tour to begin sometime this summer.

He has a GED. I have two degrees. By no means does this make me better; quite the contrary. We are both successful in our jobs and are great complements to one another as well as those we interact with on a daily basis. In our day to day lives we are pretty much surrounded by people who are just like us. When he puts on his uniform and gathers with his fellow soldiers, they are a brotherhood united by a passion, their country. Their education levels vary from middle grades through PhD but they believe in themselves, each other and stand strong to unite and do as they are called upon to do. It’s their job.

I get chills every time I hear our national anthem and my heart swells with pride. I grieve with families who have lost their loved ones and I pray for those injured to heal and continue the great journey they have begun to follow. I have sent cards and care packages and prayed prayer upon prayer that God will continue to touch and enrich the lives of our soldiers, Marines, sailors, airmen and Guardsmen.

Before my husband served his tour in Iraq and I began following stories of service members and their families, I thought I had a valid opinion on the war. After listening to him and others, seeing pictures and meeting these fine people face to face, I realized that the only thing I had was my view from the cheap seats and, friends, you can’t see anything from there.

There is so much more than politics involved and I wish those who spew forth their ill informed opinions would actually take the time to look past what is being presented in newspapers and on television. I can show you the pictures of good. I can tell you stories that will make your heart melt. I can do it. I can do it because I have seen it first hand and lived it and I can do it because I believe in my husband and those who are united and volunteer with him. We were once a great nation and now we are a nation greatly divided. We, as Americans, are supposed to be proud of the land we call home and for the stones laid before us to get here. We are now mocked by others because of our inability to stand behind our leaders and it does not help the morale of our troops one iota. While I understand our innate craving for details and to be in the know, please understand it puts our troops who are working hard on their mission in danger. You don’t put a note on your front door as to where you hide your spare key and where your valuables are so don’t ask for details as to the placement of our troops.

Practicing freedom of speech is fine. Mudsling if you will. The old addage about the squeaky wheel gets the grease may be true but it sure irritates the hell out of the rest of us who trying to make a true difference in the lives of so many who have made a difference in ours. Step back and be respectful of those who volunteer. If you think you can do a better job, I’ve got the names and numbers of recruiters all over the country who would be glad to assist you in getting fitted for some desert boots. If say you support the troops but not the war, take this approach: Ben said it best when he wrote, “Soldiering is an honest calling. So is plumbing, farming, and bus driving, America needs them all and I have nothing against anyone who opts for one and not the other.” It’s so very true and it’s so many of these folks who are also serving our country at war. If your support is that great, contact a base or local reserve office and find out whose farm needs tending, whose company needs the phone answered and whose wife could use a hand with the yard. Use your energies for the good of others.

By the article’s definition, my husband is part of the “bottom of the barrel.” By the article’s definition I should hold myself higher than him. I’m proud to be a Guardsman’s wife. I’m proud to raise my child to be proud of the country we live in. My husband is my equal in our civilian life but when he dons his uniform, he is far more superior than I and I promise you, that of the two of us, he is the one you want in the field.

Thank you to everyone who has sent a package, letter, note, well wish and said a prayer. Thank you to everyone who has served and is serving. It is because of you we live as we do.

Sgt. L’s Wife

It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who like to critize, point fingers and lay blame but NEVER seem to follow through with a realistic solution or idea. No one will ever understand a soldier's view until you've walked in his or her boots. No one will never know the angst that comes with being a military spouse/family. Every group has their followers and supporters but I say this with all my heart and soul: There is no group is more supportive, loving and caring for one another than military families, immediate and extended. We are a band of brothers and sisters who are far and near. We share the same joys and tears for the person half way around the world as we do for those who live next door. We're all neighbors and we're all family. Of all the crap in the news about protestors using a fallen service member's funeral as a location to spread their "word," not once (and if I have missed it, I apologize) have I ever seen a military family waiting to pounce on the hearts and grave of one who opposes the war. We're not all perfect by any stretch of the imagination but what I have, as do my brothers and sisters, is tact, grace and the ability to love and honor those who have given me the chances I have and, coincidentally, it's the same chance you have. Funny how that works, isn't it?

I fly my flag proud. I laugh out loud. I hug hard. I listen intently. I pray with every fiber of my being. My Blue Star flag was retired when Sgt. came home but it is waiting to hang in our window again. There is simply so much hate in our society and if only a teensy tinsy portion of the energy was put into something good rather than trying to be the loudest and most obnoxious, so many things would be so different. If my husband, BG's daddy, in-law's son is what is considered the bottom of the barrel, then I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams truly by the Grace of God. Apparently the bottom of the barrel means I have the love of a man whose heart has room in it for me and my short comings. A man who isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in. A man who has signed his 2nd re-enlistment since 9/11, one of which was this past August. A man who works hard to make sure all around him are taken care of. I love him and I'm proud of him.

Now, I offically step off my soapbox.

The Best of Both Worlds

Sometimes I think I have the best of both worlds being a prior active duty/current reserve wife and a civilian wife. Sometimes I think it gives me a well-rounded perspective as I've been on both sides of the fence. Other times I wonder.

Sgt. and I married while he was active duty Marine Corps, but he only had 6 months left and all floats, over seas duty stations, etc. were done with so there was nothing except base life to experience and even that was limited as I was in college and had an apartment so he moved to where I lived, which was about an hour away from base. Even during the time we dated, he never went anywhere other than a few nights in the field. We rarely went to base for anything but our circle of friends was great. A lot of his buddies dated my friends so we were a close knit family. Slowly everyone started to get out, with the exception of a few who chose to go career, and started moving away. No one stayed in our state except for us. It was hard to say good bye but, our circle grew again in our civilian life. While we still hear from some of his buddies that we haven't seen since 1997, I often miss that bond. It's like no other.

In October 2002 Sgt. joined the Navy reserves (with his MOS he would be able to drill closer to home vs. three hours away with the Marine Corps). Everyone thought he was crazy but I didn't. I was proud he wanted to serve again. We had talked about it several times during his IRR period but he finally did it. I tend to have high hopes and grand expectations; I guess, in a sense, I want to see the best in everything. Now, I'm not a Pollyanna who believes in blue skies and picket fences all the time but I do like to give the benefit of the doubt. One of the things I truly try to live by is to go into situations with an open mind and good spirit and I believe I'll come out for the better. Usually I'm right. I had the notion that the reserve wives would be the same as the active duty wives. Let me back up a bit...we live in the town where I graduated high school and the friends we have here are friends from my past that we reincorporated with so he never really had any of "his own" friends here. That being said, I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to meet some guys who shared the same interests, etc. and I would befriend the wives, just like the old days. Not.true.at.all. While we made friends, none were like I was expecting or, I guess I should say, hoping for. Most everyone was prior service and it was all about "my dog is bigger than your dog" they were Navy. We were Marines. I can't tell you the number of times I heard the joke that Marine stand for My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment. It was enough to make it real old, real fast.

On December 16, 2004, Sgt. got the call he was being recalled for active duty service. We initially thought it was a voluntary recall and had "the talk" and he said he needed to go. I said I supported him, call back. He did and 2 months later he left for Iraq. Everyone at his reserve center shook his hand, gave atta-boys and said "Tell the Wife to call us if she needs anything. Anything at all." Normally I wouldn't call anyone for anything, it's just the kind of person I am. The first thing I had to do was get an active duty I.D. card. I called for the appointment, which was set for ONE MONTH OUT. She only does ID cards one day a month from 8:00 - 8:50 a.m. No joke. Once all that was done, Sgt's pay was messed up. Surprise. So, I called the only point of contact I had, his reserve center. After getting nowhere fast, I went up there to talk face to face and was told that I needed to contact the Ombudsman but they couldn't tell me who it was and told me it was up to me to figure it out. (Sgt. was deployed with a unit from a different state.) After crying, I called the base they were training at and just dialed a random number because I didn't know what the right number would be and got someone in the maintenance department who didn't blow me off. He put me on hold and found out who I needed to talk to, gave me name, number, extension and a backup person in case the main contact wasn't available. WOW. So much different than at our reserve center. I would say it's the difference in active duty vs. reserve, and I guess it is to a point. After all, the bitchy PO1 was active duty but was used to dealing with reserve issues from their center and since Sgt. wasn't there anymore, he wasn't her problem, nor was I. I know, it's dragging on. So, we'll fast forward. I stumbled across a wife whose husband just happened to be in the unit Sgt. was assigned to. While she and I were becoming friends, so were they. Amazing. They live 5-1/2 hours from us and the husbands were half a world away. "W" was great. We emailed. We talked. I even went to meet her for my birthday that year so I wouldn't have to be alone. I finally had a wife who was like me. A wife whose husband was proud to serve and who was proud of him. A wife like the friends we had before. But she was so far away. His atta-boy friends magically disappeared shortly after he left. No one called anymore or emailed just to say hi. I did get a sympathy invite to one kid's birthday party and how do I know it was a sympathy invite? The mom told me so. It was sad. The people we ate dinners with on weekends, celebrated holidays with all turned away during what was the most trying times of my life, and Sgt's. So, for the 214 days he was in country, I lived my life as my own with the one wife whose husband was serving with Sgt. and another wife who lived in the northeast, her husband was also Navy but assigned to a terror boat team. Both were women that I needed and longed for in my life. My civilian friends are great but they just don't understand the dynamic of the military and it's not their fault. They just simply haven't experienced it. Sometimes you just gotta have someone on your side who can walk in your shoes, or carry you when you can't walk anymore.

When Sgt. returned home, I set up a dinner for him and sent out invites to his whole reserve center. About 15 came along with a guy who lived a few hours away he worked with in Iraq. Those were the people who gave him a handshake and told him, "job well done." Those who didn't even send an email or call to say hello? Many of them left in January for various deployments. I hope they will understand what their wives will need and I hope they are able to find it. I doubt they will ever think back to me and tell themselves they should have reacted differently. It brought to light those who knew us and those who knew us best...both sides of us. The military side and the civilian side.

I'm the wife who hugs soldiers in the airports when I'm traveling and tell them thank you. I'm the wife who gives the wife at the gym with the bumper sticker that reads, "the other half of my heart is in ____" a smile and lets her know I understand. I'm the wife who boxed up enough care packages and sent off that I should have been on the post office payroll. I'm the wife who rallies for our troops. I'm the wife who sends notes to friends deployed. I'm the wife who still checks in on the hand full of other wives I met during our deployment, who all live at least 5 hours away with the exception of one. I'm the wife I wanted to meet. I'm the wife I wanted to be friends with. I'm the wife I needed for support while Sgt. was gone. I'm also the wife who craves for someone in my life to be like me.

Now Sgt. is with a new unit since the end of last summer. I went to the unit Christmas party and only a handful of people even made eye contact. One is a guy I've blogged about before, the single dad whose wife is a crackhead with custody of his three kids. One was a new grandfather who wanted his 6 week old grandson to smile at BG. One was the Captain. Many of the wives have been through a deployment with them to Iraq and then turned around and then reactivated for a domestic job. None of them spoke. None of them looked at me. None of them acted like they cared a bit.

I care. Maybe I care too much. Support is something I try hard to give because I know what it's like not to get it. I went to a meeting last month and met with a bunch of moms whose kids are deployed. I learned that there is no stronger group of women who supports their kids more than military moms. I'm the only wife in this group but Sgt's mom volunteers for a chapter in her state and there are wives in hers and they have pride and aren't afraid to show it. I guess it's the downside of living in a non-military town (Sgt's mom lives in a military town).

I miss a lot about military life. I miss the bonds, the kinship and the "just knowing" that develops. I like living the civilian life because there are no moves, no major pay issues and I only have to make sure uniforms are clean for one weekend a month and three weeks a year.

Is it really the best of both worlds? Does my experience really give me a well-rounded perspective? I think it does on one level but it also leaves an empty spot in my heart that only milspouses can fill.

Weekend Wrap Up

Sgt. had drill this weekend and other than the fact it was freezing
cold in the field, he came home in a wonderful mood. He has been put
in an E6 slot and given a new job (can't remember what it is, though).
I'm proud of him. He has been with this unit since the summer and
has done a great job since he's been with them and they will put his
package together and submit it for a promotion.

We had a long eye to eye talk last night about happenings. They are
on high alert and three units have requested they be attached with
them. Even though a Colonel was there giving a white-picket-fence
speech, the Captain pretty much said get ready to go. It seems as
though everyone is just waiting for the call. No tears shed. Only
hugs given.

BG has the cutest little outfit of camouflage pants (they are pink and
green flowered camouflage) and she wore them to preschool Friday and
all day pointed at them and said, "Daddy" because her daddy has his
ACUs. So cute. I put them back on her yesterday and when he got home
we had a little mini-photo shoot with both of them in their uniforms.
Great pictures. Big smiles. Huge hugs. No card in the digital
camera. Needless to say, after that wasted 10 minutes, BG was done
being cute and we only got a couple of cute ones.

We went out to eat and he told me about a couple of other projects
that are in the works and asked my opinion of them. I'm supportive of
them because he is and he'll do a great job no matter what it is.
They are all great opportunities and hopefully they'll come to light
this year. Since BG was in uber toddler mode, we took her home and
let her run around and she did collapse about 7:15 and slept all the
way through the night. Yippee for me! Well, I should say I guess she
slept through the night because I didn't hear her cry so either she
did or I was just dead to the world. Sgt. and I had some quiet time
to just talk and enjoy each other's company and he started snoring
around 9:00 since he gets up around 3:30.

Glad he's home. I miss my soldier when he's gone - even for a
weekend. I missed him greatly in 2005 and I'll miss him even more
this deployment. I'm trying to keep an open mind and a good spirit.
That with prayers, we'll all make it.

More of the same...

I've blogged for years but always with someone knowing who I am...this time it's just me and those of you who find me in one way or another.It's the best therapy I've ever done. One day posts will move on to something of more substance.

**********************

New night vision goggles have arrived at the armory. That makes two shipments of new gear/weapons that we know of; the first was new M4s. Still, no budget for uniforms so Sgt. L is still wearing his belt with a newly added notch and when they go in the field, he wears his old
Navy field jacket. He didn't want to take it but I insisted and he was glad I did; it was 18* that night. I told him if anyone gave him any lip tell them his wife said he had to wear it. :) No one gave him any lip and he didn't have to say, "My wife said so." All were happy.

He leaves tomorrow night for another weekend of combat training, which they were told in at the end of summer was their new training and for no specific reason. Those who have been around a while know that nothing happens without some type of reason, especially with the
military. His CO has been emailing the major on other issues and threw in there about a deployment. The answer was to the tune of, "I can't tell you what you already know." It seems to be some code. I'm trying not to let my guard down and we are still planning for a deployment. It's the only way I can cope.

Last night we took the front off Baby Girl's crib and turned it into a toddler bed. She was so excited to be a part of getting a brand new big girl bed with a brand new soft blanket and pillow. She climbed up between the safety rails and "practiced" going nite-nite. Sweet. It was going to be a better transition than I envisioned. Well, that lasted for all of a millisecond. Yesterday BG had her two year checkup and is weighing in at 26 pounds and 32" tall. She also got the last shots she will need until she's 4. The new nurse wouldn't let me hold her; she had her lie down with me at her head holding her down and she held down her legs and gave her the two shots. BG did VERY GOOD until the last second of the last shot and she broke out into crocodile tears. Since she was so good we scooted through a drive through and she got a Sprite - big treat for her. A few hours after we got home, the initial dose of Tylenol was wearing off and she began to show us her leg where her "boo-boo" was and at 6:00 she pretty much passed out - but only with me holding her. She did not want to be put down. Usually our bedtime routine starts at 7 pm and she's out by 7:45 or 8:00 at the latest. Every time I tried putting her down, she wailed. When I put her on her new soft bed, she turned purple and I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head she screamed so hard. So, I held her until about 8:00 and I was starving so I got us up and ate a sandwich. Sgt. came home from the gym and she was not about to have any part of her daddy...all mommy all the time; at least when she's not feeling well. I ate my sandwich, we
grabbed up her blanket and cup of water and set off for her to sleep with us in our bed. It's not something I do regularly because she is a horrible bed partner and we think she needs her own room but last night was different. She snuggled next to me and when Sgt. came out of the shower she immediately chanted for daddy. She snuggled with him until she fell asleep. It was a rough night for all of us. Usually Sgt. doesn't get up with her at night because he drives a truck during the day and has to get up at 3:30 a.m. for work but last night he did so I could sleep since I was up with her all the night before. They got up and she went potty and went right back to sleep. Sgt. is going to miss that if he gets deployed. It isn't often BG vies for Sgt.'s attention but when she does, he eats it up with all his might. He loves her. He loves her without a doubt.

When Sgt. deployed in 2005 we didn't have any children; it was us and the dog. For days the dog followed me around I thought she just missed him, because you know dogs are like that, right? Wrong. She was hungry. Sgt. fed her before we left for the airport and she eats for a couple of days and we fill her bowl back up. That's one of the 4 things that only Sgt. does and I didn't think to look at the bowl. Once I fed her she was back to her old spot in front of the living
room window admiring the world and I was vapor until it was feeding time again. I didn't forget any more. I packed his sea bag with all the things he would need for three months. He was "embarrassed" that I used a round tupperware like cake container to put the squishables (i.e. toothpaste) in and packed using the packmate bags that allowed us to put everything he needed and some plus a pillow. Come to find out, my ideas weren't all that crack pot and many others had done the same thing. He had all he needed and his squishables were still in tact. See, Sgt., you don't give me enough credit.

The day I left Sgt. at the airport was one of the hardest days of my life and they would only get worse for me. Now, worse is relative to each person and while I understand that others have more hardship than I, it was worse based on my life. My grandmother passed away 12 days
after Sgt. left for training. My mother called and told me she was not doing well and I needed to go see her. I went to the nursing home before church that night. She was laying there and had lost so much weight she was pretty much just a shell gasping for air. We had a DNR and grandma had lived a God-filled life and was satisfied within herself. At church I asked our congregation to pray for her. They did. Grandma died that night. We buried her on a Wednesday in her home church cemetery about 3 hours from our town. I drove down that
morning and back that afternoon. I stopped and bought some tulips on my way down and my mom's best friend held my had during the short graveside service. I felt as though my world had been set on it's ear. My husband was in combat training 14 hours from our home getting ready to deploy. I had no children. My mother and dad were as distraught as I was and I was empty. Ms. T. held my hand and meant it. I was glad she was there. A week after that, Sgt. found out they were leaving about 2 weeks ahead of their original date so I booked a flight, rental car and hotel room. I flew Friday night and would be able to see him for half a day on Saturday and all day Sunday and have him back to base by 5:30 Monday morning. We had the best time together. We shopped for BG and he picked out some things for her. After 41 hours of just being together, we packed up and I took him back to the base. That empty feeling was there all over again. I said good bye to his room mate and friend and we made our way back to the parking lot. Sgt. cried, which isn't something he does a lot. I cried, which is something I do often. We said our good byes and they were starting to gather for formation. He hugged me tight and told me
he loved me. As I drove off, I looked back in my rear view mirror and he was standing there waving at me and blew me a kiss. I cried all the way to the airport and sat waiting for my flight. Alone. Empty.

I got home and began the wait of all waits until I would hold my beloved in my arms again. He was able to call me for about a week after that and they were on lock down and I wouldn't hear from him until they arrived in Kuwait. Well, at 2:38 a.m. I got a call they were at their stopping point along the way. I was glad to hear his voice. It was then that the time between phone calls would be unknown. I was living my day to day life in the luxury of my home with all the comforts and he was beginning the dirtiest, hardest and most emotionally taking task of his life. He was going to war. One week later he was in a war zone.

Throughout his deployment, I often thought I had no right to be upset with him being gone. After all, I had no children to worry about and explain where daddy was and what he was doing, I was okay financially and there were so many more people in the world who had things much
worse than I did. Oh, how I missed him. I traveled to meet some e-pals while he was gone and had a wonderful Labor Day weekend jaunt. When I got ready to leave, the gal I traveled with was about to leave to adopt their child and told me, "I'm not ready for this." Yes, she was. She had journeyed for a year to get to the point she was at and she was ready. She was ready because her husband was home to meet her at the airport and one week later they would board a flight to end the greatest journey of a lifetime; bring their daughter home. Me? I did okay through most of the flight. Because it was a holiday weekend, the airport had opened an extra over-flow lot and I got off in the wrong lot. Smart. I always park in the same area so I don't make that mistake but didn't this time and my mind was flooded so I just.could.not.remember. It is one of the lots you can't get out of unless you are a vehicle and the gate slides. No way out and there wasn't another shuttle coming my way. A nice old couple picked me up and took me to my lot. I couldn't find my car. I wandered and wandered. I was pushing the panic button but nothing happened so I couldn't follow the sound. A pilot stopped and offered to help me. No, thank you. I walked two more aisles and there it was. The car I bought the day their hooch got hit by a rocket. I sat and cried in the parking lot. I cried down the interstate and I called my mom. I didn't want to go home to an empty house. I simply didn't want to do it. But, I didn't want to drive the extra hour to my mom's house, either. So, I picked up the dog at the kennel and went home and cried by myself.

214 days after he stepped foot onto foreign soil, he stepped foot back on U.S. soil. I stood in a tropical storm, front and center, with my poncho, a borrowed umbrella and American flag. 5 1/2 hours later the lights of the plane broke through the gray rain clouds and landed. What a glorious day it was. My husband was home. He was home safe. There were no losses. Some were injured but none died. That was the most glorious of all.

I made many friends that day standing in the rain. Not friends I've talked to again or even email with but women who "knew" me and my life. They knew exactly what I had felt and for the first time I felt validated. It took almost a year to give me the comfort in knowing it was okay to have my feelings and it took 16 strangers to do it. Thank you, ladies.

Rambling on and on and on...

I'm sitting here listening to my husband snore and my toddler has fallen asleep to Elmo. I really should be napping, too, but for some reason I just can't. We went and had baby girl's two year old portraits done today and her daddy knew better than to think we would walk out with the $9.95 package. Well, we got it but along with another $130 to go with it. After sticker shock, a trip to Gymboree to use my Gymbucks and a quick pass through a couple of other stores, we made our way home singing out loud to keep BG up and not nap in the car. We got home, threw in Elmo and I left her to go to sleep so I could do the same but I'm here.

Every day I Google looking for more information on troops that will be deploying to Iraq and it's always the same information and the link is highlighted purple so I know I've been there already. Hubs' guard unit is attached to an active duty unit that was already scheduled to deploy in May. Those guys know but his unit doesn't. Makes me wonder. His was one of the first to go in 2003 and now are hanging on to see if they'll go back now. There is one guy in his unit who has been talking to the Chaplain a lot lately. His wife is a crackhead and he has filed for divorce. It is her 2nd or 3d time through rehab and he just couldn't take it anymore. He has three kids 11, 7 and 2 and she just recently signed over custody to him. The two year old was their surprise baby when he came home from Iraq last time. He's wondering if he should file for hardship. He doesn't have anyone to care for his kids and is worried that everything he has left will crumble around him but he also wants to serve his country with his fellow soldiers. My heart breaks for him. I've offered to have his kids come to our house or us go to his so he can get a haircut, go have a beer or do whatever it is he needs to do by himself. What else can I offer to do? I wish there was more. His 2 year old could play with mine. I could entertain his 7 year old but his 11 year old I'm not sure about. She's had a tough time with her situation and has started to lash out and it wears him out and understandably.

No matter how hard I think I have it, there is someone who always has it worse. I recently read a blog about Perspective written by a milspouse and it touched me greatly. In it she referenced that she pulled perspective from a good friend who became a widow when her husband was killed in Fallujah. Wow. I've known people to die but I've never known anyone super close to me who has. The closest is an aunt who lives in Alaska whose husband committed suicide 10 years ago. But, I was in my 20's, she was in Alaska and I didn't know him all that well. His memorial service was the same weekend of my wedding. I wasn't sure how to react/respond. I knew my heart broke for her and it broke greatly. Since then, everyone has moved on and she hasremarried, etc.

I often wonder how I would react if I got that dreadful visit from the Army. I often dream about it and wonder who I would call first. What would I say? Would I make them go next door to get my neighbor so I didn't have to hear it alone? Would I call my mother who lives and hour away and tell her to get over now and make them sit in the driveway until she got here? I know I shouldn't have the thoughts but I do. It's a fact if he goes back to Iraq it could happen. There are over 3000 other families whose loved ones have met their maker and my heart aches for them. The first time Hubs got ready to come home, he sent his footlockers with some of his belongings and I sat on the front porch and cried as hard as I think I have ever cried. It was the first step in him coming home but there were so many other families who were getting the footlocker but there would be no welcome home ceremony to attend. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. I believe in my husband and all our troops. I often get asked if I support the war. It doesn't matter what I think. There are more people who know what is going on than me and it's so easy to be an armchair quarterback. I think it would be a huge mistake to pull out now and I think that is the reality of it. It's a sacrifice. It's a hard sacrifice to make. Hubs is a reservist. He re-enlisted in August with the full understanding of the possibility of a second tour, possibly a third before it is all over. But, I'm a worrier and it's what I do best, I think. I guess it's a good thing worry doesn't cause hair to grey otherwise I'd be white all over.

I guess enough rambling and incomplete thoughts for now...I'm going to snuggle next to Hubs and catch a couple of winks before BG wakes from her nap.

When vs. If

We are preparing for when vs. if. It seems to be the best way to
handle the possiblity of a redeployment. Some say it's premature to
begin to worry but it's not them who are having to deal with it. So,
kindly keep all negative words and comments away from me and my
family. You do what you have to do, we'll do what we have to do.

Hubs has an active duty friend who has heard that the brigade will be
called. Yes, it's still kind of early. Yes, it's still speculation.
Unfortunately, too many rumors that fly like that tend to end up
truths. Besides, it was leaked several months back to all the
newspapers and the higher ups back pedaled to try and dispel it. It
doesn't get leaked if it hasn't been talked about.

New weapons arrived at the armory this week. Budget empty for new
uniforms but shiny new weapons arrived.

I will pray and I will pray hard.

God keep them in your hands and give them the strength, courage and
knowledge to take care of one another to finish their task and come
home safe. All of them.

Shipping Out

Last nite Sgt. L got an IM from a buddy who was in the reserves with him and found out that there were several from his old unit who had been recalled for active duty. To back up a little, Sgt. L used to be part of the Navy Reserves and is now with the National Guard. His tour in Iraq last year was with the Navy; he and three others were picked from his unit and assigned to another unit. Now they are cherry picking from the Navy unit for deployment. In our heart of hearts we know if he was still there a second deployment would definitely be underway for us. We wish all of them well as they embark upon this journey. We pray their tour is successful and all will return home safely and quickly.

Godspeed.

Inevitable?

We survived one deployment to Iraq. It was just the dog and me at home. We were lucky...it was only a 9 month tour and all was well. Is there another one looming in our future? What is our new congress going to do? Go big? Go longer? Go home? Rumors abound. There is no word that he is going. There is no word that he's not going. We're just preparing. Best case scenario is the "honey-do" list will be done. Worst case scenario is the never ending worry between phone calls. Now we have our beautiful little girl with her big brown eyes and little pig tails. His biggest concern is that she isn't going to remember her daddy when he gets home. It may be premature to worry about it now but since the seed has been planted, it's time to work on the garden a little, so to speak. She is going to be 2 soon and I try encourage him by telling him that if/when the deployment comes about, and while he's gone, she will turn 3 and be old enough to know that when she looks at his picture that he is her daddy and he loves her and will be home soon. However, she won't be old enough to know how long "soon" could actually be.

People have always told me I wear a brave face. I do - but only in public. No one saw the tears as I made my commute to and from work. No one knows that I kept something on his side of the bed to put my feet under like I do his legs when he's there with me. Very few know me well enough to know I cry when I hear The Star Spangled Banner and other songs that praise our country. No one knows how much it hurts my heart to hear someone either bashing our military or the mission they are on. Yes, our spouses, family members, loved ones and friends VOLUNTEERED for our military service. Yes, one should know that with that volunteer of service as a career or as a reservist the possibility of deployment or becoming called is there and anyone who doesn't think it could happen to them is viewing life through rose colored glasses. Our military is a volunteer military and every single person should be proud of the jobs the men and women of our country do. The one thing I learned with his first deployment is that you can't see very much from the cheap seats, which is where we all are. Until you've walked a day in a soldier's boots through the sand in 130* + temperatures, you just don't know and, quite frankly, our opinions are just that - opinions. Opinions made on what the media reports. I don't give my opinion of the war one way or the other. I do, however, support my husband, his comrades and all that they stand for. That is what makes me a good wife, a good mother and a good American.