What Separates Me?

I am finding that more and more of my blog posts are about soul searching than actual events taking place in our lives. That's not necessarily a bad thing because no new news and no new drama means the home front is at peace, at least for now.

I've posted before about how the UPS guy jokes with us when he delivers packages and you know they all read the labels and have to wonder about the reasons of our orders. He took a double take when I added the 2d yellow ribbon to our tree; the first is still there from when Sgt. left and I've added another one for a dear friend of mine whose son has been in Iraq for just a few short weeks. Everyone who comes in our drive comments on the American flag that hangs inside our living room window. It's hanging on the same hook my Blue Star Flag hung on. I like having it in my window. It reminds me of what my family stands for. My flag pole on my porch was not able to hold up it's duties so I'm on the quest for a new one and when it comes, there will be two flags flying. When people ask for directions to our house, the first thing I tell them is we are the only house on our street who has an American flag. Since that doesn't always seem to do it, I then tell them we are the only house who has a wooden fence. That seems to be what seals the directional deal for them. A fence. Not our flag.

I'm on this new path for a leaner me so I've joined the Y in the town I work in so I can go on my lunch hour instead of grazing on cookies and playing games. I've been once. But it's all good because today is only Thursday and I joined right before I came down with crud last week. So, I've only failed myself 3 days this week. Maybe tomorrow.

As I did my going-to-nowhere-walk on the treadmill and I watched the scrolls across the bottom of the screen on CNN, my mind twirled in circles and different thoughts fly...I should have gone to the grocery store but I really don't want to. It's okay to eat cereal for dinner for the 3d night in a row, right? If I don't do laundry, I'll be walking the treadmill naked with just my shoes tomorrow - not even socks. And then my mind shot back to Sunday, visiting the family whose son died in Iraq. They are the only people I have actually met in "real life" who have lost a loved one while serving there. Even though I know what my heart feels, I wonder if they do. I guess I'm a cynical person. I often question the sincerity of some of the things people say. One of the easiest phrases to throw around is, "we'll pray for you" and I think it's often thrown out too much. If I say it, I do it. But do they? Do we just trust all those who say they pray for us or keep us in their thoughts? I always thank them for their kindness and their well wishes, thoughts, prayers, etc. and move on. I think it's the one thing people say that they know will mean something. Maybe I just read too much into it. Maybe, like I said, I'm just to cynical. But I know I'm not the only one who is cynical...If I'm thinking it about people are people thinking it about me? I am one of the least self-absorbed people I know, seriously. I thrive on doing for others. I volunteer. BG and I make cards to send to our troops. I send care packages. I make phone calls. I try to make sure someone will always know they are thought of, even if it is a stranger.

I don't have a bird's eye perspective on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan like some do. My perspective is that of Sgt., our friends and my fellow bloggers but what it isn't is what the MSM spews. It's not all sunshine and posies. It's not even half of that. But there is sunshine and posies can break through.

So what separates me from the others? In my mind it's my willingness and passion to do for others freely. What I wonder is this...if I'm cynical towards others and find myself questioning some of their "sincerity," what makes me any different to someone I'm working with? I hug tightly. I listen intently. I hear what they are saying to me. Do they know that? Doing good deeds is not meant to be rewarded by those we help, or anyone for that matter but my inner struggle is making sure they separate me from those who are passers by and those who float in and out as it becomes convenient. I suppose that most people are like me and they know in their heart of hearts when someone is sincere. As long as I'm able, I will always try to touch the hearts and lives of someone somewhere who may otherwise not have it. Maybe it's simply that that separates me.

Looking Old

This past week has been a rough one. Work has been absolute hell and, coupled with PMS, I'm just about to get to my breaking point. I'm one of those people who believes in faithful use of sunscreen to keep my skin looking as healthy as possible. Yesterday I checked my face before I got out of the car and in the rear-view mirror all I saw were my eyes. I'm 33 and I look old this week. I look old and just worn out. It really ruined my day. Normally my face is pretty vibrant - it does show my lack of sleep from time to time - but I have never thought I looked old. But I do. It's the same look Sgt. had on his face when he was finishing up his tour in Iraq and it saddened me because I remember how he told me he felt and it reflected in his face. Now my days of stress, anxiety, working 65 hours a week, being a mom, being a wife, being it all is catching up with me.

I went home last night and finished packing for a girl's weekend to D.C. and gave myself a nice little facial cleansing with extra moisturizing thinking it was just the effects of my day. No. I still look old this morning. Hopefully my girl's weekend will give me some renewed vim and vigor.

If S pops in here, I'm ready sista!

Crappy Weeks

It's been a pair of weeks from hell. Last Monday it started off with me walking out of the house with BG and her cup pulling the door closed behind me. The problem? My keys were on the other side of the door. Sgt. was working 2 hours away and we don't trust our neighborhood to leave a key as these are the neighbors who stole food from our freezer on the back porch. (I swear it's not as ghetto as it sounds) I started sleuthing around and found one window the lock wasn't 100% locked and started working to get it open so I could climb in. As I tried to raise the window, the window came out of the track. Sweet craftsmanship we have on our home. (Our builder didn't even build his own house and is now doing landscaping). Got to work late and my assistant was out sick for 2 days. I started a software conversion the week before and spent every day on the phone with tech support trying to get it to work. Still won't work like it's supposed to and next week will be spent setting up a new server in my office to run this beastly software. Valentine's day came and went along with a manic episode of PMS and tears to flood the state. This week Sgt. has been sick, I've been sick and anything that has and can go wrong has. This morning a guy pulled up next to me at a stop light and told me, "Ma'am. Ma'am. You're dragging a purse on the other side of your car." Sh*t. I pull into a parking lot and sure enough, my purse had apparently fallen out of the car, I closed the handles in the door and it has a severe case of road rash. I must have passed 100 cars from the time I left the house this morning until this guy got the highlight of his day and was gracious enough to tell me. Nothing fell out. Nothing gone. One more purse for the handbag graveyard. I got to work this morning and found out I forgot to order some components on Wednesday and the plant will run out today. We just happen to have our vendor rep coming for a visit and he is bringing some. I must admit when I heard over the radio system a truck that had been loaded this morning pulled off the dock without his load locked and pulled out of our yard with the doors open, I secretly hoped his load would shift so somebody else could have a bad day.

I normally don't like Fridays because they are two days closer to Monday so Wednesdays are my days of choice as they are two days from the weekend. However, over the past few weeks, I've been longing for them. It's not pessimistic, it's my coping mechanism.

He who sweats the most will most likely fail

Some of the hats I wear on any given day at work include:

Payroll administrator
Benefits coordinator
Purchasing agent
Logistics/shipping
Small item receiving
Human resources
Accounts receivable
Accounts payable - part time
Go-to gal
Crap-cleaner-upper
Mess-straightener-outer
Call screener
and Yell-at-me-because-you're-pissed-at-someone-else girl

Right now I'm wearing the beautifully decorated Human Resources hat.
With it comes a lovely pair of golden she-balls that will induce
severe sweating and panicking for most of the employees in the plant.
For several weeks, in addition to the rest of my daily grind, I've
been working on a new employee manual and it's done.

In the past, our company has not done pre-employment drug screening
but that is all about to change. Everyone has signed our drug and
alcohol policy, which includes random drug testing so guess what's
coming up? You guessed it! I guess I might as well get new hire
packets done because I'm guessing we're going to lose quite a few
peeps.

Tidbits about Me

1. I always put my left shoe on first but take my right one off first. Same with my pants.
2. The cans in my pantry are by color and type with one shelf for miscellaneous stuff.
3. All the hangers in our house are white plastic.
4. My sock drawer has been in the same location my entire life and it shook me up when Sgt. moved it.(upper right drawer of dresser and he moved it to middle left).
5. When we go to the big mall, we always park at the same store because there's always a lot of parking available and we go through the store into the mall and to the right. The last time we went, Sgt. wanted to start on the left side and it took a LONG time for me to adjust to it. (It loops around and it's 3 miles inside).
6. I love hot fudge brownie sundaes, sans the nuts.
7. I love cheese and most things cheese.
8. I don't like milk but I have to have it in my cereal but I drain the spoon for every bite.
9. I'm hooked on Cheez-Its right now.
10. I don't like tomatoes in their raw form. I will eat them in soups, chili, spaghetti sauce, etc. but not raw. I wish I did like them. In the south everyone eats tomato sandwiches in the summer and I've always wanted to but...
11. I don't like mayonnaise, which would make it hard to have the tomato sandwich. I will eat it in potato salad and the such but never on a sandwich.
12. My career is no where near what my college degree is in.
13. I'm an insomniac.
14. Weight Watchers worked for me but I'm a drop out. I've been starting over on Monday for almost 6 months now.
15. I had my tonsils out in May '06 to help with throat infections and sinus surgery so I could breath. Since then I've had 8 throat illnesses and I still can't breathe. Plus, the doctor cut my
epiglottis in half so I can't say "L" words without sounding like I have a speech impediment.
16. I own 8 pair of black pants. Oprah says they're slimming so I figure if I can't be slim, I might as well give the illusion of it.
17. I love 80s music. B0n J0vi rocks! I love the feather bangs and his too-tight pants.
18. I'm a t-shirt ho and have one from just about everywhere I've been plus the one from Iraq Sgt. bought me.
19. I can't stand it when you tell someone thank you and they reply with "Uh, huh" instead of "you're welcome."
20. I only eat red Popsicles and jello. I used to only eat red Starburst and suckers but I will eat all colors of Starburst and venture out for an apple Bl0w P0p.
21. I have no tattoos.
22. I love cookbooks and read them cover to cover like most people read a novel.
23. I'm in the process of writing a cookbook as a fundraiser with part of the proceeds going to support our troops through various organizations. Check back for details.
24. I love the beach even though I'm so pale I could glow in the dark. I went to college in a beach town and we used to schedule our classes around the sun. Ever since college I wear minimum of SPF30 and a hat. I don't have any wrinkles.
25. I decorate cakes.
26. I like fine point pens and prefer black ink over blue.
27. Being a mom is the greatest experience of my life.
28. When I eat a sandwich, the mustard has to be in a clockwise swirl starting from the center working out. Sgt. doesn't believe that I would know when he does it backwards but he doesn't stray from it.
29. I've only traveled outside of the United States one time and never again will I fly cattle class for a flight that long.
30. My favorite color changes a lot.
31. I've never been on a cruise but I've made Sgt. promise he'll take me on one after he gets back from Iraq this time. If he doesn't have to deploy I still want to go.
32. I hate emptying the dishwasher. I'd much rather load it.
33. Except for when Sgt. isn't home, I never: wash my own car, mow the yard, take the trash out, feed the dog. When he is gone my car goes through the automatic car wash and I have someone come and do the yard. I do feed the dog and get the trash out to the street on trash day.
34. I very seldom wear a jacket and don't think I own anything that would be classified as a coat. It's a small sidewalk jaunt to the car, I have an hour commute to work and about 20 steps into my building so I don't really need one because I'm always inside. Besides, I'm super duper hot natured and think the perfect weather is sunny and 62. However, I do wish I had one today. It's 21* with 20mph winds. It was cold pumping gas, which is something I used to not do until I started commuting 88 miles round trip per day. Sgt. will still usually take it and fill it up on the weekends.
35. I take my shoes off as soon as I walk in the door and never wear them inside our house - not even slippers. I take my jewelry off second.
36. I can't stand to hear people suck their teeth.
37. I never ate an omelet until 1999 while we were at Disney World. I can't seem to make them and flip them in half so we have "egg mountain" at my house.
38. I remember my very first phone number.
39. I don't like dark beer, red beer or beer in green bottles. I don't really care for restaurant microbrew, either.
40. I only have 8 pictures hanging on the walls in our house. I have a phobia about holes in the wall. I have lots to hang and even special hooks that leave teensy tinsy holes but can't bring myself to do it.
41. I love the smell of ocean air.